Facebook Fantasy

Facebook News Update

By Tracy Livezey, Storytellers Committee
From February 2011

Facebook posts:

Terry: Two weeks without internet access. Thank you, Verizon. Thank you very much. What’d I miss?

Tracy: Guess nobody thought this was worth mentioning–while you were out of touch, Texas seceded from the Union, because everyone in the state was “just danged fed up with all them idjits in Dee-Cee.” Iowa quickly joined Texas, not for any political reasons, but because Iowa has always wanted to be just like Texas when it grows up. The nation’s oil and corn supplies immediately dried up, forcing President Obama to take drastic action. He amassed every single member of the U.S. Army presently in the continental U.S. (about 134 of them–everybody else is either lost in the desert in the Middle East or in Korea watching M*A*S*H re-runs) along a 3-mile segment of the Texas/Arkansas border. Everyone in Arkansas was watching “American Idol” at the time, and didn’t notice. Every able-bodied citizen in Texas quickly converged upon that 3-mile battle line, and brought all their guns. At that point, Obama ordered Al Gore to conjure up some climate change, and Gore produced a freak lightning storm which caused lightning bolts to strike and melt every gun in Texas. Miraculously, no Texans were electrocuted, and Gore immediately went home and nominated himself for another Nobel Peace Prize. Texas surrendered and sent everybody home, vowing to secede again as soon as they have re-stocked their gun and ammo supplies. Texas’ top elected officials were all sent to their rooms and grounded for 2 days as punishment. Obama just ignored Iowa, and after about a week, Iowa sent its Congressional delegation back to D.C., where they all petulantly slammed their respective office doors shut behind them and pouted for a couple days.

Then everything was back to normal. Other than that, not much happened.