What do you think of when you hear the word “integrity?” Most people would say that having integrity is something they value in their lives and strive to attain. At the most basic level, it seems integrity is akin to walking the talk. One of the definitions of integrity has to do with being complete and undivided. Though it may have something to do with inanimate objects (that wall has integrity), I think it also pertains to human beings. Being undivided means you don’t say one thing and do another. Being undivided means you have a whole self rather than parts that may or may not relate to each other. Being undivided means you can be honest about who you are at all times because you have nothing to hide.
Integrity has been on my mind this week because tomorrow I have to go to a meeting of the Redwoods Presbytery to hear them verbally announce the decision of the General Assembly Permanent Judicial Commission against the Rev. Dr. Jane Spahr. Janie, dear friend and prophetic colleague, was charged for having performed legal, same-sex marriages in the state of California, mine being one of them. According to the highest court in the Presbyterian Church (USA), she violated the Book of Order (the church constitution and book of discipline) when she said “yes” to the myriad of couples who asked her to marry them legally. The reason I have been thinking about integrity is because of what was said by the Redwoods Presbytery Permanent Judicial Commission who, as the first court to hear the case, recommended that Janie be found guilty and be given a rebuke. This is what they said after they had made their decision “…The church’s policies are self-contradictory and ‘against the gospel.’” They went on to affirm Janie’s call, her gifts and her ministry.
Where is the integrity in that action? Their actions completely contradicted their words and they were divided. They said one thing and did another. As someone who sat in the room and heard them extol Janie and her ministry, I thought for sure they would clear her of the charges. When they did the opposite, I was shocked. How can any group of people so obviously speak out of one side of the mouth and act out of the other, let alone a group of people who were to rely on God for guidance and wisdom?
Anyone who knows me knows I have had a love/hate relationship with the Presbyterian Church (USA). Sometimes I love the ideal of it more than the real. This whole experience has been one of those times when I love what the church could stand for more than I love how it is living in the world today. I am at the point with all of the issues related to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people and how they fit or don’t fit into the membership and leadership of the church, where I just want people to have integrity – be undivided – speak and act consistently. Instead of hugging me and then standing up to talk about how I, as an out lesbian pastor, am dismantling the church and leading it away from Jesus Christ, I would rather have someone spit on me and then say those things. That would feel consistent. The spitting and the verbal violence at least go together. What does not go together is the verbal violence and then the smiles and the pats on the back or the hugs or the feigned interest in conversation.
As always, I am reminded that as I point my finger outward, I must also consider how it points to me. I, too, need to consider my own integrity. Can I speak and act consistently within this church I call my home? How am I contributing to the lack of integrity or to the church being divided in itself – saying one thing and living another? Life is too short to pretend, to lie, to put on a false self, to be inconsistent and divided. Let us all pray for ourselves and pray for the church as we try to live with integrity.