How can it be at age 48 that I am already saying, “In my day…” such and such happened? Alas, I am already old enough that I can reflect back to a different time. In my day as a parent, the parenting philosophy of the time was that children should be given choices and then shown the natural consequences, both positive and negative, for those choices. Authoritarian parenting and corporal punishment was out and choices and time-outs and counting down were in. The idea behind the new wave of choice parenting was that by intentionally giving children choice (and therefore consequences) rather than forcing them to be or do a certain thing, parents were empowering their children to be autonomous selves and teaching them critical thinking skills. As a young parent, I felt the stares and disapproval and scorn of the older generations who were convinced that my generation was full of baloney and would pay the price of “spoiling” our children. Even though it was hurtful at times, I also understood how vastly different our approach was to theirs and how natural it seemed that they would be skeptical. My generation had learned from the Feminist Movement and from the Civil Rights Movement. The shift in our parenting came from a deeper shift in the culture against dictatorship and autocracy and toward a leadership that was geared toward partnership and collective wisdom.
Something has shifted again and I am not sure how to articulate the shift and the cause. Having worked in a school for a few years recently, having a spouse who teaches high school, and having friends who are rearing young children, it seems as if a subtle shift has occurred and I am not sure if it is for the best. The schools have a variety of terminology they use to describe the phenomena. One of the terms is “helicopter parent.” This vivid image depicts a parent who hovers in every aspect of a child’s life, ready to swoop in as soon as there is discomfort, sadness, frustration, anger, desire, or the possibility of making a mistake. Anyone who has been or is a parent knows that deep internal instinct of protectiveness. When our daughters experience those things, of course I want to protect them from anything that will be upsetting in their lives. Early on, though, I had to quickly learn when to jump in and when to let them figure out how to handle a variety of situations or when and how to comfort themselves. When I hear about “helicopter parents” I empathize because it could easily be me. Empathy is not the only emotion I feel, though, as I witness these helicopter parents leaving scars and wreckage in their wake. At the heart of an overbearing parent or a parent who rescues their child or a parent who mistakenly puts their child at the center of the universe, is fear. Parental fear is one of the most powerful and unconscious kinds of fear a person can feel. Unfortunately, parental fear often translates into children who are also fearful or children who act out in order to mask their fear or children who simply feel paralyzed in life.
Parenting is the most difficult job we do in our lives and we receive no training, very little support, usually some marital tension and few rewards (other than the darling cherubs themselves). We provide people with more support for losing weight than we do for parenting! How can we be more like a village when it comes to parenting? How can we support parents? How can the church take a more active role (not in the way many right wing churches do with telling parents how to better control their kids)? In the midst of a period of time in which most people are struggling to make ends meet and pay their bills and seek meaning and stay positive, what do the rest of us have to offer those who are parents? If you know a parent with children, ask them to go to coffee or to have lunch and inquire as to how you might support them in their parenting.